happy new year!

good afternoon america, i come to you live from the portland bound amtrak 513 train, car 6, seat 8 where we are counting down the hours until the new year's eve ball drop! what's that? oh yes, i see. i'm sorry, i'm being told that we are not actually doing the new year's eve countdown but rather the when-can-i-get-off-this-effing-train countdown. only two and a half more hours of cramped legs and screaming children to go, back to you in the studio, bob!

to be honest, it's better than i thought, though i would have preferred not to have the aisle seat. no, no, old man. by all means, you take the window. don't be silly, i don't mind getting up every five minutes that you discover you want something out of your bag in the overhead area. it's fine, take your time. anyway, it'll all be worth it when i arrive in portland because i will be spending the new year with annie (or wantonio as she prefers to be called, trust me). as i recall, wantonio owes me a kiss at midnight from a botched new year's promise like 6 years ago. though i won't hold her to it as i was the one who did the botching. and she has a boyfriend. so. there's that.

and there's this: a riddle! what has two thumbs, frequently butchers the french language for sport and received a seahawks toaster for christmas? c'est moi! and while it doesn't quite work just yet, i think it will simply be a matter of time before i will be eating seahawks logo imprinted toast until my heart's content. unfortunately, i just joined a gym so the seahawks logo imprinted toast will be limited to special occasions only - bar mitvahs, job promotions, new episodes of revenge and the like. when i started 2011, i was fairly committed to a workout routine but by march was easily derailed by um, everything. so sadly, my waistline has grown considerably. but this year. THIS YEAR! will be the year that i finally do something about it. to ensure that this resolution will be different from the last 20 or so years i've said the same damn thing, i've decided to embrace my fat side and have even named her "tubby". in this way, i've created a sort of imaginary workout buddy. when i'm tired and want to quit halfway through a body pump class, i'll remember tubby and know that i can't let her down. and when tubby doesn't want to go to the gym, i'll say, "come along, tubby. we've got work to do!". it's a plan so crazy, it just might work. and if not, there's always next year. come along, tubby.

here's your found item of the day:

and to all a good night

i watched the sound of music last night which is not really the way i envisioned my christmas eve to be honest. but after a few cocktails at the sun liquor distillery, nursing that stinging loss by the seahawks to the team who shall not be named (stupid niners), i figured it'd be best for my health and my wallet if i came home to console myself in a more controlled environment. and so i sauntered home to make terrible food choices and watch terrible tv and lo and behold, i see fraulein maria dancing about.

as a kid i tolerated musicals because well, kids don't know what good taste is and are notorious for choosing to exalt the most annoying and nerve fraying things. i certainly was no exception. but after watching the end of the movie, adult selena thought to herself, you know. it's not that bad. i surprise myself sometimes. anyway, onto christmas morning!

and interestingly enough, for the first christmas morning in my thirty one years, i am completely alone. and you know what, it is actually feeling pretty great. i have an a-MAH-zing (still not getting the penny reference? god, you guys are slackers. ugh. whatever.) a-MAH-zing view from my bedroom window of puget sound, downtown seattle and of course, the space needle. and as i lay there admiring the dark clouds out on the horizon, i thought about all the christmas pasts i've had in the last 12 years or so I've been on my own. it was a very scrooge-esque montage for as you know my life has been full of bumbling about, begging for more chances to be good, and lots of cries of "what's all this then?". but as i recounted, i realized that in the past 12 years i've lived in a different house fifteen, yes, fifteen times. and so this year, my christmas wish is simple...that i will live in this beautiful apartment next year when christmas comes around. and perhaps for the next three or four. i'm ready for this apartment to make an honest woman outta me. and so long as i have my fake fireplace television channel with christmas carols and a few spiked nogs, i think i'll make it through just fine.

happy and safe holidays my friends! here's your found item of the day:

I'm totally stealing that as my catchphrase from now on.

jazz hands.

i think i found my new favorite place to hang out. it's a mcmennamin's bar called six arms and they have kick ass beer, a laid back atmosphere and a-MAH-zing (penny from happy endings, anyone? no? no? ok. fine. whatever.) a-MAH-zing cajun spiced tater tots which everyone knows is a part of a complete and balanced diet. and before you say anything, yes, i've been here for a while and yes, i have been drinking since i arrived. but you can relax, mother. i have been pacing myself because of this jerkoff of an ear infection(s). plural. mother nature is playing a game with me and she does not fuck around. it's been almost two months. i swore i wouldn't but it may be time to go van gogh - homegirl needs to know that i don't play around either.

though if i did cut off my ears in an otitis media induced rage, i'd only be hurting myself and the new slash old musical artists i've finally come to embrace. i'm talking specifically of jazz artists. yes. jazz. or as speakers of my native tongue would say, "yazz". how did this happen? well. it started slowly and benignly enough with a mild obsession with ella fitzgerald. (and by mild, i mean, extreme. that woman is god as far as i am concerned.) and then it rocket-manned into a full blown addiction with artists such as oscar peterson, wynton marsalis and thanks to my friend ryan, charles mingus. what the eff, man? it's like i don't even know who i am anymore. all day i want to listen to thelonious monk. occasionally i throw in some blues from john lee hooker to switch things up, but jesus! it's like the person who dyed her hair blue and listened to tool and pierced her lip against her mother's wishes doesn't even exist anymore!

some things have remained the same at least. for one, my love of drums. i am going to buy THIS before the next year's end. and for two, my love of puppies. only 68 more days until i get one of my own. fairly certain his name will be otto. as in otto from a fish called wanda. or eric. as in eric idle from monty python. good god, i'm obsessed with that quintet. no wonder i never get laid.

with that, here is your found item of the day:

sad sack.

i've been watching a lot of pbs lately which is as lonely as it sounds. because of this new habit, i stumbled upon 'alone in the wilderness part two' which is about an old man back in the seventies who is...wait for it...alone in the wilderness (part two). i watched the whole thing and i will concede that i kind of really enjoyed it. naturally, being thirty one and not ninety, i find this as alarming evidence that i need to become more social. the problem is that i'm deeply misanthropic despite my generally cheery exterior; it's just that i'm very protective of my time and won't let any old fucktard waste it. given that the ratio of fucktard to non-fucktard is incredibly and unfavorably imbalanced, it's not hard to understand why i would fiercely guard my moments of leisure.

nevertheless, there is something to be said for leaving my apartment for reasons other than having to work or needing to replenish my nutella supply. and while i am not quite ready to commit to extended human interaction, i am willing to make the effort for the canine kind. yes. a puppy to be exact. i plan on getting a baby black lab at the beginning of march (from a rescue, of course). why wait so long to get him, you ask? because mama's got holiday plans and holiday presents and holiday plane tickets to buy. that means a lot of money saving, my friends. but it will be well worth it - i'm already marking x's on my obscenely large kitchen calendar, counting down the days to christmas in march. and you better believe that my adoration for my canine companion will be rivaled only by parker posey's brilliance in best in show. this dog is gonna be set!!!

in the meantime, i will do my best to broaden my horizons with my fellow mankind. for now, here's your found item of the day:


oh god.

say good night, kevin. good night, kevin.

hello. ...i'll give you a moment to get over the shock that this blog still exists. when i last wrote it was the cusp of spring in seattle. which is to say, rainy and cold with nary a hint of sunshine. and now it is winter. so...basically the same thing. the difference is this time i've got the holiday spirit.

i don't know how it happened but somewhere along the way, i developed a mad crush on christmas. not the whole relig-y bit of course, which may seem blasphemous, i know and i apologize. (to be fair, 12 years of catholic school will take it outta you.) but as "silver bells" states, it is in fact, christmastime in the city. and that, my friends, is a party i can't resist. seattle is beautiful all of the time, but in the winter with the trees and lights and eighty five billion starbuck's red cups everywhere, it's hard not to get wrapped up. (after all, capitalism is the reason for the season. the rest of you are obviously misinformed.)

as you can see below, i bought a tree. it's fake but i also bought a pine scented candle, so it all works out. i haven't gone all crazy with the decorations elsewhere, mainly because stringing the lights on said fake tree was a royal pain in the ass. not to mention, it's just me in the house which means it's just me cleaning up and well. i'm lazy. so. there's that. but i don't mind being alone this time around. i think part of why i'm so excited about christmas this year is because i'm finally starting to settle into this place and making it feel like home. and i am excited that this feeling came despite being miles away from my family and family of friends. all of whom i still miss terribly, but not in the way that used to make me sad and wistful. i mean, i'm not a sissy, ok? i don't know why you would think that but it's rude and not in the spirit of christmas. there. i said it.
nevertheless, i hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday. send cookies if you feel like it. but not too many, i'm watching my girlish figure.